How does it feel to wake up and look in the mirror and see someone completely different? The same body, the same hair, but the shine of the eyes. DIFFERENT. How does it feel to walk away from someone you never were? Lose those rags which were tying you back from being what you were?
How does it feel to finally see your 'true' self, and put a cut to a virtual fake world ?
It feels better, and a hundred times, lighter on the head.

And that's why I ended Blogging, Crystal ain't me.
Cos Crystal is just the lost part of Aayushi. but definitely not Aayushi.

Life is good, and I'm back to my original self.

And yea, this is a universal reply to all the replies, mails, and messages on why I quit.
Ofcourse Blogging as my own self is an option. Bt well, time kiske paas hai? Love still stays, right?

Have you met someone whose been the reason behind the most smiles and the most tears as well ?

I have . :(:

The "R & F" factor.

Between reality and fantasy..
Life lies waiting.


Choose a real fantasy.. or live your reality like a fantasy.

Agony day

She opened the plum colored yearbook of hers, and promptly started shuffling through the pages of it. The weather and the date had perhaps given her a high to start with the conquest. Her mind was wandering in all directions, and she had to work hard to shut the world off for a second and focus on the year-book.
Today, she didn't have the courage to open the blinds of her room, and see what lay ahead of her. There was just an empty blue sky ahead now.She came back to the scrapbook, even though she did not care for going back in the past, her main motive was to find one photo. There were prayer ceremonies going on downstairs. She had to close the doors tightly, because she simply did not want to hear a single word.
She found the photograph at last. Brown hair, fair complexion, mesmerising eyes. That made him complete. A perfect gentleman. Her world had shaken up after seeing the picture being shown on telivision. She had gathered all the world's courage to take a step further. She knew a link to the agony day. She picked up her jacket and went out to the Police Station.
Her fiance who was away for some 7 years was a terrorist in the 9/11 attacks. She had to tell the police.

Hate <3

I hate it when you forget I exist and when you never call...
I hate the fact the I'm ready to catch you every time you tremble and fall ..
I hate it that you and I walking in different directions and you don't feel the same..
I hate it when everywhere I go, all i can see and trace is the letters of your name..

I hate the way that I'm ready to give you strength , and make you stand tall..
but most of all ..
I hate the way I dont hate you ..
not even close ..
not even a little bit ...
not even at all ..

55 fiction : Untitled

The night I came back from Rina's wedding. Ayan was sleeping soundly..hence I lifted my pillow to find two green hair clips staring at me..I stood shocked as I recalled something my maid told me..

"I always take my hair clips out before sleeping, they give me a headache"

55 fiction : Let the smoke stay ..

How long could she hide the tears? This or that? She'd been thinking for long.

She could see just one solution.
She took out one more cigarette and lit it.

Let the smoke stay, its more clear than my life.

यह धुआ

पहली बार इस मदिरा ने ऐसा प्रेम फैलाया था
दिल में तूफ़ान सा उठ कर आया था
...
एक तमन्ना हमारे भी मन में सहसी आई थी
लेकिन शायद वोह दर्द के धुएं में गुमनाम होने आई थी

कितनी यादें इसी धुएं में खो गई
कितनी तुम्हारे नाम पर सदियों तक रो चली
शायद तुमने प्रेम को मेरी नज़र से देखा ही नही
या शायद तुम भी उसी धुएं में कही थी हो चली ....

Figuring out life..or so I think!

Its this huge emotional outburst that was ought to happen. It started from yesterday when I got a 17 out of 20 in Maths yesterday. Sounds lame, doesn't it? Bt its high time all this has climbed on me, provoked my senses and been gone undealt. I desperately need a reason to all this. 2008 came, brought the worst memories, and went away, but I'm sitting here with the ugliest memories of that year. I've always been someone with the most non chalant aspect to people who bitch behind my back, but that doesn't mean I'll sit with my head high when life's being an effing bitch to me. A blog friend told me once "If you're so much frustrated with life at this age, yu really have to be careful about you're future." She meant no bad, but I guess, I am becoming someone I DON'T want to become. I read in a post yesterday, about undesirable changes, they're so happening with me, and even though my reply to the post was "Don't let the change change you." I'm feeling the change taking me away with it. Friends with who I broke up, have told me that I've changed, and fr good. (I don't want you to tell me that they're fakes or anything, cos they're not) but why the eff am I not feeling any change?
I'm relentlessly getting carried away by the wave of agony, and its hurting me so bad. I didn't sleep till 3 last night, had a splitting headache in the morning. MAN! Why am I ruining myself? One minute, I'll be perfectly alright, I'll post positive replies to other people, sound amazing when I talk to friends on the phone, but then another second, I feel the L factor coming into me, any small thing has started affecting me really badly.. WHY is all this happening? Another thing is I can't seem to get over all this.. I mean yes, I believe I have moved on , but there's something which isn't leaving me..something I'm yet to figure out. People always approached me with their problems, because I was "thick skinned" and knew the best solution to problems, and always seeked RATIONAL EXPLAINATIONS, but am lacking all that in my own life. My dad always told me "All that you have in life is what's ahead of you.. you miss it, and its gone forever" Even though I have so much ahead of me, I don't want to move on. I want to be positive, but there's just negativity entering from some door.. and so is reflected in my blog, its become one place where I'm pouring my irritations and morbidness endlessly, and I've therefore being referred to as a "Queen of GOth" which I AM NOT. One point, I wanted to do something great for Mayank on his 200th post, 'cos he's been a friend, and I've always cherished people who've got genuine concern inside them, but something stopped me, and made me feel so numb..everything together is calculating to one thing=NOTHING! Does this fucking shit have an end? I don't want to be morbid, I don't want to feel sad, its happening happening happening in a fucking never endnig way, which leaves me like a person with all her clothes ripped off, and still shameless. I was this happy go lucky person, but its all been ruined, without any rhyme or reason. Enough is enough! Will this ever end? I'm too baffled for words.

55 fiction: A hidden truth

He opened the window wide, having a serious assumption of life coming in with the air. He knew she'd made her the happiest person on Earth after the night.

She was lying peacefully, with nothing but a white blanket over her. Her beautiful brown hair was over her lily white face.

He bid her a last kiss, a kiss to end the torture and pain.


And put the dagger inside her chest.

55 fiction : Love blooms everywhere

They were sitting near each other, while Anto held Reeta's arm lightly. They'd grown up to be 12 while watching movies on how a rich guy/girls falls for a poor opposite. There were no barriers here, they lived in the same slum. He got while his "angel" was busy watching Sharukh Khan romancing on screen, and with a big grin across his face,he asked her the million dollar question
.

.
"Tu mere saath dance karegi na?" (You'll dance with me,no?)








Ring ring ringa! :D

55 fiction: Color me red

She cleared the wooden table and carefully kept the washed glass vase besides the wall.
They were lying near the table, smiling up to her, all packed in brown paper.

She put them inside the vase with contrast to the flower, and whispered to herself.
"There isn't much color in life, but I know how to fill in some."


And yes, the red gerberas did glisten in glory, and filled color.

A century but with a not so glorious story

Lena entered the room from the door at the back, which connected my room, (just for the night) with hers. She came in, and pulled the chords of my corset so tightly, that I felt unable to breath. But no, I could not complain or mutter a word, not because I was scared, but ever since last night that I was entrapped here, my vocal chords and the sound echoing in them, had faded away, or precisely died. The black skirt I was wearing was too short to even cover my lower half's one fourth, but I did not care, I didn't have any shame inside me left, or probably there wasn't any asset I had to hide, 'cos someone would come in and tear me apart. I pulled up the fish net stocking, which were probably a saving grace, as they did manage to cover me up an extent. Lena put some bright red lipstick on my thin lips, and hurried off saying I should sit on the bed with rose petals all over, with my legs in a "slutty" manner. I didn't know what that meant,but I just sat, and started having glimpses of the past.
I was in New York, happily living with some friends in an apartment, and ready to come to Chicago for my job. Had sent my bio data and all that to an office in Chicago and the only reason I chose them was they offered a whooping big amount of money for a small job that I'd be doing for them, their only demand was they wanted a full length photograph of me. I could not manage to see through all this, and so I did as I was told by the letter I recieved from them. Two other girls had applied, all asked for full lenth photos, but only I got selected. There was no sorrow inside me to leave the girls back, except for Natalia, because she was the one with who I had interacted much. So I packed my bag, waiting for a guy to come from the Chicago office to guide me through the procedure at the Chicago airport.
After reaching there at around 2 in the night, a vague darkness was all around me, I always heard this place buzzed with activity but I had no idea why everything around was so silent all of a sudden. Little did I know that I had been chloroformed during the way, and was now being taken off to some place called "Red light area" The guy driving the car was giving me occasional glances, as if he was about to climb on me, and rape me off. I was scared, and wanted to jump out of the car, but the other guy probably assumpted it and said "Don't cha try doin' anything gurl.." and took out a silver gun and pointed it at me. So I just kept shut and waited for this ride to come to an end.
After about half an hour I came to this place called "Red light area". Bright red and green neon lights flashed at cottage like places, and I looked at awe in the voluptous girls hanging around with elder or younger boys in skimpy outfits. It was then did I get face to face with an ugly truth inside which I had been envolved. I wanted to scream, but words failed me. What happeneed to me next? I was taken to the "boss" who examined me from up to down, and asked a woman to take me to the changing room, and give me clothes. I had them, but for them clothes meant something which could not cover even half of you.



Without any knock at the door, a guy of 19-20 years stepped into the room I was sitting, and jumped onto me without speaking a word, and did what I cannot describe. It would be a shame for my parents if they came to know that they're well educated daughter is trapped here. I don't know how much he pays the people, but I get raped every night. My soul is torn into pieces, and these pieces are burning in a fire of lust, and sex.

I die everyday, and lose the leftover of myself with every passing minute.


--*--*--*

Because this is my 100th post, I wanted it to be something different, have always been into abstract stories, but this time chose something over the top.

---


Keshi,Shravan,Arv,Priya,Nidhi,Peter,Mads,Y2A,Multimenon,Trinaa,Hp,Mayz,Anurag,Saim,
Meher,Shatabdi,Raka,Kartz,Vinay (Leo),Riversoul,Divkiran,Divya (all of the three),Rakesh,Hemz,Arunima,Swayam,Sawan,Sameera,Lena,Preetilata,Yamini,Kajal,Shrutilaya, Disguise,The Rat,Meghna,Richa,Nachi,Shruti,D gypsy,Ghost Particle,Cinderella,Chriz,Daydreamer,Stupidosaur,Gunj,Shrav,Cess,Steph,Aneri,Bhai with Chai,Mithes,Muzer,Pranav and Suresh.

Thanks for all the love guys!
(Thankyou also to all the people who keep coming, saying hi and going.Lol )

She

There are people who teach you how to be 'yourself'. There are people who make a guest appearance in life, they teach you about life, and then when you realize their importance, they're lost. Lost in the blinding colors of black and white, which are created by nothing but our ignorance.
I met a girl like this, once. I met her 2 year back..we were in the same class. She was the "dude"..the person with whom everyone wanted to be. But she..approached the ignorant,arrogant,rude and "attitude-y" chic of the class. Bad choice,you may say. We..gradually became the greatet of friends. We slowly learnt that my indifferences were nothing but illusions that I had created around myself. She took me out of my coccoon of limited friends, she sacrificed her friends, just to make me become a social butterfly. Whenever her Birthday came on 1st of January, I'd stick to the phone at 12:00 a.m of 31st and be ready to give her a call at that particular time. But then, something would always stop me. But she..aaah..she'd call me up the moment she saw that she had hurt me. ME? I never realized what an angel she was. Maybe she's somewhere around..reading this. But anyway, last year we got seperated. Me in a different section,and she in another. Life for me wasn't that easy. I wasn't the one who would make friends easily. Probably teh "loudmouth" and "ruthlessly straightforward" tags were made specially for me. Then..she died. No, I don't mean she died a "death". She made our friendship gradually die. I was in her group now. Everything was weird now. She stopped comprehending my feelings. She stopped feeling the pain I felt when she would speak shit about me to people. And gradually, we were "just friends". I hated it. But she didn't seem to notice. She would come into picture when she would hear that I was yapping my frustrations to another friend. She would tag that "bitching". And yes, her "new friends" would nudge her to believe me that it was true. Friendship..they say, can never be illusionary. But no, I don't agree. I feel the illusions. And I have started living in them as well.







You'll always be my friend. Even if you never consider me one.
*I forwarded this to her..she read it and says, she hasn't been so great to me. yeah right.

I'm. . . . . .

I am the consistently burning flame of the candle
I am the calmness and tranquility of the sea
I am the power of Dusk and Dawn
I am the beauty in the feathers of a fawn.

I am not the farewell I bid to thee.
I am not the Angel in yesterday's reverie
I am not the cold and sour laugh you heard
I am not the dullness in a discouraging word

I am what you often hide from yourself
I am the road which leads you to your goal
I am the will which makes you stable
I am the strength both abled and disabled

There is more to me than what the eyes can see
There is less in me than what can be
You don't know me well; but still you do
Because I'm the power residing in you.



I'm your conscience.