When we fell.

I like the look in her eyes. It spells hatred. It spells loathe. That look is far more intense than the little love she ever showed me, and that's why I love it so much. I really wished her back for long, I really wished we'd laugh at the same things again, share the best pieces of music and literature again, cry at the little sentimental portions in films, again. But it won't happen. And its taken me a while to realize, I didn't want it to happen either. Because? She's not the same person any more. She didn't believe anything and everything that came her way. She didn't condescend to authority just because she was told to.
She didn't want to get a position because it spelled power. She didn't want to stay with the best people because it'd bring up her image. No. She was none of that. She pretended to be strong, brash and stoic on the surface. And yet again, she was none of it.
But there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true
And the games you'd play, you would always win, always win
But you know what made us stick together for so long? We were a bundle of contradictions. We didn't know what we really wanted, we didn't know who we really were. The difference today is, today, I do, and she still doesn't.
Why do you think people drift apart? Do they change as persons? Does one undergo a metamorphosis while the other stagnates into somebody no one ever knew. None at all. The only difference is how they look at each other. When you hate somebody, even the most earnest smile from them seems like a dagger thrust down your little, vulnerable heart.. You would kill to get back to the start, but then you know, your best friend has changed. And today, you cannot even face her with malice burning in your heart. You still have a little bit of "us" remaining inside you, but you try very hard to erase the memory. And I threw us into the flames.
Every gorgeous picture of you framed together seems like a lie, a farce, a make believe. You look at her smile in the pictures and ask yourself whether she really meant any of them. When she stayed up with you all those nights, when you discussed all your small fantasies, all your stupid crushes, now you ask yourself, how many times had she been genuine? But you know, you did have a past, a rather beautiful past actually, it was only the present that had been distorted beyond compare. The present and future that had been ruined into a picture no one wants to look at again. Ever.
So where will you go? In which corner will you hide? Or will you, like me, keep asking yourself, whether you'll really survive without her? Your confidante, your sister, your best friend, your favourite enemy, your lover, a piece of your heart? Maybe you will move on, or you will simper and sob. After the regular simpering and sobbing, you will pretend to move on, you will pretend to think everything will be alright, you will make yourself a little emotionally closed because now you will not anyone penetrate inside your pretty mind that easily, now you will not let anyone get inside your heart and paint its corners black so easily. But you will be trying hard not to think, that you won't be you anymore. Without her. Without a little bit of yourself.
And I threw us into the flames
When we fell, something died
'Cause I knew that that was the last time


  1. You have tried to find answers to some difficult questions in life , Aayushi:)

  2. AWWW! Rise outta the ashes sweets! :) The grass is greener on the other side! :)

    Lovely post with Adele's lyrics blended well within!! :)

  3. Because keeping someone close to you is plain stupidity. Because caring for someone is just damn foolish act of insolence. Because I have a few lines of arguments, I shall prove yours wrong.

    --Forget what was said just now.

    & Because you write so well, that every time I read one of your articles, it seems like there's a blend of Poetry with the words of thoughts in it.

    & I just like it.

  4. I don't know what should i call it co-incidence or random thing.The many posts that i have read today all had this best friend in them and how they had drifted apart from each other.
    Gosh! it seems really hard living away from someone you used to share everything with.The deep dark pith that gets created between is something which cannot be crossed or so it seems.
    Every word had deep emotions dug inside.Beautiful writing.


  5. I 2nd Rahul ji. Well said dear.

  6. I do connect very very deeply to everything you've penned down here.

    I don't understand how this particular energy comes to one naturally when one knows one's relating to another's 'something'. Is that because one doesn't feel alone thereafter? Or is it because one was never alone?

  7. Do you like give tutions on how to write smashing posts???:-) I would love to enroll myself there....

  8. I loved this. So many questions, so much that I wish she would answer.

  9. This post has everything thats going in my mind. I have many questions unanswered....still searching for the answers and hoping for the beautiful past to return.

  10. I can't find the write word for this post. It has this simplicity with this touch of bitterness. Ok, I suck at expressing my mind. But honestly, this is amazing.

    And your name's Aayushi? :O ( Sorry for the weirdness ) :p

  11. Ohh, the drifting apart, I wish I could get a clean break too... I was like Oh! You too?? You put these emotions in words so beautifully, that I wish, my "she" could read and now. Our relation is as stagnant as it could be...Sigh.

    *I can't keep up your the Turning Tables.*
    Mwaah! Love you Crystal! :D

  12. I know exactly how that feels!
    I always believed that we drift apart cos the more time we spend with each other we tend to find faults with each other.

    I love the way you've put it :)

  13. Yes, people change or better, like you said that our perception towards them changes. But then, what is the point to be sad when you would never find that one single point which ignited it all or the last straw?

    You wrote it amazingly sweetheart. I can so empathize with your situation.
    Just know that I will always love you.

    Take care! :-)

  14. Its ironic isn't it??? I mean someone who once was a part of, was everything u've evr wished for just turned into someone u dnt knw any more. You start questioning urself and his every action or gesture of love and affection that he showed. Once uopn a time u were inseparable and now u just cant talk anymore its like idk what it is :/

    BUt its not right to emotionally close urself to other ppl!!! I know its hard to trust someone again!! I know its hard to let someone inside ur mind and ur heart but we should. I did exactly the same thing and in the process end up hurting another friend and myself the most!!!

  15. the brutal way is
    you made me sad
    the nicer way is
    you made me emotional
    the real way is
    you reminded me of someone
    and all in all the crux is
    you write so khoobsooratly that it had a very strong effect on me..!

  16. estranged people, especially those with whom we were close... it really hurts a lot.

    U keep wondering where things went wrong and in answer u get squat...
    only one option is to move on... but thatz not easy at all :|

  17. I always wonder if it is really people that change with time, or do we change or do we finally see the reality of a person due to which we tend to drift away.
    Wonderful post as always :)

  18. as always..i agree with suvaiba :)

    welcome back after a long time..or may be i came here after a long time :P

    well i think people do change... or may be the are always like this but only the circumstances stop them from doing anything that they do not do ...

  19. human tendencies expressed ! lovely. your blog has a nice feel.

  20. welcome back and again you are gone :( where are you now? come back....

  21. their in some peoples terms, is a very simple yet confusing answer. it goes like this..
    it wasn't meant to be.

    some people believe otherwise. a host of reasons could be assumed, whichever will be will resemble what you needed to hear.

    the truth is, not everything is forever. except perhaps...

    accept it :)


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