3/20/12

Dreamed of Paradise.

I don't want to run away again.
I don't want to be followed again.
Ever.
I don't want to flee again. Ever, never.
I want that feeling back. Delirious happiness. That feeling of being loved, crazily, insanely and not selfishly because they told me love is one of the most selfish emotions. I wonder.
I want my childhood back, I want to climb up guava trees with my siblings again, I want my grandmother's house again.
Because now when I dream, I only dream in monochrome. There is no hint of colour. Its strange, very strange. Actually, now I have no memories of the recent years. My mind refuses to consider anything a happy memory.
When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach so
She ran away in her sleep
and dreamed of Paradise.


But now Paradise scares me. I don't know when I will be hit by a bullet, or worse, when I will lose a near and dear one. I can't walk, because my feet are tied to the ground, no, not by chains, not by rusty, antiquated chains, but by my fears. They stop me from moving, the only think that I anyway see moving are the tears trickling down everybody's cheeks. Because atleast one of them has lost a brother, husband, sister, mother, friend, because all of them have been convicted of being "terrorists" Because someone, somewhere thought that a man with a beard was out to kill, because someone, somewhere distorted religion.
If I lose it all, can little shoulders take the burden of a family ? Worse, the burden of sadness? It is miserable. This sadness. It has started to consume me, already. It feeds on my past happiness, perhaps it is envious of the coffee tinted pictures of mine which bear no scars. Perhaps, they hate little joys so bad that they don't want me to smile again. Ever.

25 comments:

  1. I am running outta words.Just beautiful!:)

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  2. Back????Finally??:-) Exams over?????

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  3. Exams weren't happening, yaa. I have debates, like through out the year. I AM EFFING JADED. Blogging is a retort when I am dying of toomuchness. ;)
    Thanks Jen!

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  4. You are back!! :D

    This post makes me want to cry. It is that beautiful!

    Welcome back :)

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  5. You arrived with such a beauty in offing:) Nice to see you again !

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  6. Wow... One of the best posts i ve ever read... Touched the deepest chord of my heart!

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  7. This is the feeling when one lives with a never-ending-fear.

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  8. She expected the world
    But it flew away from her reach so
    She ran away in her sleep
    and dreamed of Paradise.

    Gosh these lines pinched me hard.. Beautiful as ever. :)

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  9. Masya Allah..this is just so beautiful..especially the last para..

    can little shoulder take the burden of a family..

    perhaps it is envious of the coffee tinted pictures of mine which bear no scars

    perhaps they hate little joys so bad that they dont want me to smile again..

    Deep words..How do u it Ayu?
    Its amaazing how u can feel for them..not many can do that :)

    Hugs..good luck with school :)

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  10. very deep n intense expressions..
    the desire of a better world 'paradise' and the realizations of harsh realities..

    Awesome writing Crystal !!

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  11. The parts I write in italics are usually songs or couplets . This one is a song by Coldplay-Paradise.


    and thank you all :)

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  12. I know :P
    but sync it up with your own words... that makes it awesome !!

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  13. You are good, Crystal. :) And your writings make me proud to know you.
    because yes, you are that good. <3

    And I don't want you to be sad (if you are) =)

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  14. It is always a pleasure to read you my li'l darling.

    The write up is so real.

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  15. Your writing is so beautifully painful that it inspires!!

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  16. Sigh. You beautiful writer.. Beautiful person.

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  17. you stupid woman.. why din't ya tell me you have started writing ?
    anywayz mai bade baqwas mood me hoon and i dont know why but this picture speaks more than a thousand words.
    and i agree with zeba..
    khoobsurat rocky..!:)

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  18. There you are! :D. Was dying to see a post from you :) And fear is useful, my friend. You are smart, so I guess I don't need to elaborate! Nice to have you back!

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  19. Thank you Izdiher, Jyoti, Mirage, Preetilata, I do, Zeba, Suvaiba and Stranger. Your comments make my daaaay! =)

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  20. Kia likhti ha bay tou? Hain?

    And I missed reading your Blog.

    May be i am back :p

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  21. Haha. Mad ho aap, Khalid saab. =P

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  22. Hey,

    Amazing yaar! Such beautiful depiction of emotions.
    Keep it up!

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