Some stories.

I want to fall in love again. Give my heart to someone, and not be concerned about what he does with it. I want to pour my thoughts into him, even let them overflow, and let my words glide in the atmosphere. Some of them calm, some of them full of gentleness, some of them full of a happy, content nothing. Nothingness, a feeling I've derived very recently. Sometimes it comes alone, weeping out solitude, bringing with it a shudder. This nothingness is different, it has satisfaction. It has a tinge of completion in it, like it has resulted from the finish of a greater good.
There are a lot of things I'd want to tell this person, like my fears, in numerous fears. Of turning into someone I am scared of confronting. The same old sharp tongue, the callous attitude, the pretense of not being concerned, when inside, every word of acrimony would cut you slack. Not being someone I'd never want to befriend, not someone whose sight I would be repulsed by. The fear of losing someone I cannot live a day without. Whose texts light up my face, who considers me a punching bag and who roams around in striped boxers in the coldest winters for no reason, whose constant sarcasm and insults to me are only a reminder of how adorable a brother he is.
Maybe I'd tell him of that which is gone, though its been long since I shared a whisper with the Past. The last time we conversed we ended on a sad note, we had nothing to say, because I have already given it a little too much thought, a little too much of my time. I'd reach it instantly, no time machine required. Back then, every time I tried catching my dream, it was but a mirage. There were too many people I had interacted and broken up with. Too many make ups, break ups. Some said I talked a lot. Still do.
You talk too much
Maybe that's your way
Of breaking up the silence
That fills you up
Anxiety ate my mind then and inhibitions had clouded my brain.The Past is buried. Well, at least I hope so.
I would share my joys. The tiny ones, about that dear friend of mine whose laughter I find infectious, after talking to who, my mind feels lighter. We laugh. We laugh a lot, and that is the kind of laughter I'd want from him. Easy, carefree, even a little obtuse and stupid. Or maybe the little moments of bliss, we'd have plenty. We'd live in a world where we don't live in hypocrisy, where each moment of our existence is not marred by make-believe, by words we never mean, by actions we are not responsible for.
Now things are different, I have more stories to share with him.
They're happier stories. Of laughter. Of moments whose sanctity and beauty words would spoil. There were times I realized I was only obsessed with pain. Aren't we all? We surround ourselves with a dismal, uncouth silence and solitude and yet pretend to be happy about it. Strange are the ways of the world. They confuse me, always shall I guess. The hypocrisy. It annoys me the most.
Now there is reading. A lot of reading. And the sheer joy it has started giving me. And writing too. The interaction with people has changed, though the constant fear of growing too close to someone, and losing it all still lingers. We hear of introverts and all the trouble they take in making small talk, and there are people like me, who're so talkative that they feel scared of becoming too open and vulnerable. This feeling has remained.
Coming back to the stories I'd share with him. There is soft laughter, merriment, coffee-stained pages, and a bear hug. We'd begin with them, and joy would follow. Hopefully.


  1. Hey Crysty...this one was a surreal post...the words seemed just to flow out of ur inner recesses, not caring what they would be interpreted and thought of as...There were points I could link to and then places where I got lost...so much like a dream state: u find urself, and then lose ur self, u find urself again only to wake up in a daze and then lose it all out...
    "We hear of introverts and all the trouble they take in making small talk, and there are people like me, who're so talkative that they feel scared of becoming too open and vulnerable. This feeling has remained." ....I so connect to these lines....trust me..it's like u speak my mind out! and the place where u talk about coming close to ppl not knowing how long they are there to stay...ah!!

    This post of urs had a charm of its own...u bring the reader very close to ur thoughts and ur "state of mind"

    PS: I lost ur thoughts in the para u talk about brother..help me understand that pahleez:)

  2. Aakriti, My non-biological brother who I am close as hell to was unwell and on ventilator for a long while and recovered pretty recently. Then, I had a fear of losing him and saying goodbye to a part of me, someone who I have shared the best part of me with. That's what it meant!
    and, this one was just a flow of words. It means a lot and it means nothing :) Thanks. <3

  3. yeah I agree with Aakriti..there's so much point that I can relate dear..especially the constant fear of losing someone that you're so attached with and a life without them is totally unimaginable :(..and the part of being too open,and vulnerable..and the only joy that I have is in reading and writing..:)

    i guess your words just reflect a side of me..touched the core of my heart

    Take care baby..Hugs

  4. love that is..!! people say that if you love someone you shouldn't fear but its always impossibel to feel the calmness of love without the vigrous fearfull feeling of getting seperated.....indeed its love.

  5. and sometimes that fear engulfs the happiness of the present situation and the people who indulge in it are possessive. i hope you are not and you don't end in being one.
    and falling in love needs no thoughts or pre-preparations.. it happens.. and sometimes for no reason.
    some sides and stories are best when untold and unseen.
    take care.
    thy words reflect something deeper than just what you want others to see.

  6. FEAR, INSECURITY, JEALOUSY are all sisters of this thing called LOVE.
    Wat is love anyway? its too fragile I think
    Loved this post...and those lines on TALKING TO MUCH...my story :)

  7. some stories, some people, some friends n some random things...
    this is what life is...
    we all crave for this Isn't it ???
    Flow of emotions in your words was clearly visible and along with that the pure, simple lovely relation u shared with all the ppl u mentioned.

    Just a wonderful read.
    Smiles :)

  8. Loved the way u have written it all...its the fear of losing the ones i love is what I m scared of the most. I can't comprehend what life would be without those ppl i so love.

  9. this is SUCH a beautiful article..people are right, your flow of words is mesmerizing! and i feel proud of knowing this brother who is crazy and yet lovable :D heh.. Dhruv is a people's person :) and and, me loves the lines from Aqualung..make too much sense.you're so beautiful <3

  10. TOSM, I think its universal, that fear. And I am doing great, don't you worry. Thanks <3

    A guilty conscience, Love and longing. All these feelings come with insecurity and fear attached to them, but its their beauty which over shadows the evil.

    Suvaiba, Not possessive, just fearful. Not too much, yet. And maybe you're right about the depth part.

    Red Handed, Jo samajh gaya uske liyey kya hai, ye ishq toh ek khoobsurat aag ka dariya, aur kya hai? :) Love has different definitions for people, for me, its a happy thing. Well, mostly.
    And thanks re :) Reddie and I yap much.

    Jyoti, I know. A love for randomness I possess. :) And thank you, I really wanted the reader to feel connected to those who I connect to.

    Ria, I know. I am fearful of this very fear. Only this fear.
    and, thank you :)

    Shamia, Aw Shamie. :* Dhruv is a pillar. I love him and I love you. Thanks for everything. <3

  11. A lovely flow of words! It gives a feel of watching a beautiful stream flowing merrily!

  12. Falling in love might be one of the scariest experiences ever. I have a fear of the unknown. I prefer to plan everything out so I know what to expect, but you never know what to expect when falling in love.

    Twitter: @GlamKitten88

  13. Arre this feeling of falling in love is quite problematic. Just when you feel everything's going good... *BANG* and it zeroes down to nothing.

    Its that emptiness we all go through when we lose that someone we loved the most. Its like you just want to know so many answers.

    Don't worry. I am going through this anxiety too. And I hate it.

    I hope ur brother is fit and fine now. Makes me miss so many people I lost. :)

  14. The last lines.. Just beautiful.
    After I read your reply to Akriti, I realised that your post wasn't really a fiction.
    Your brother is lucky to have you :)
    I love your posts. I mean it. They are just amazing..

    Where did you get the picture from?

  15. :)

    honest. and crisp.
    Just the way I like it.

    and aayu, joy comes wherever u want it to come. so here, it will. <3!

  16. So many entities here that all of us can relate to at some point in the journey of our lives. I'm always amazed at how accurately you describe these feelings in your writings.

    I'm very sorry to hear about your brother's illness but am SO relieved to know he is recovering! Brushing with that type of experience (especially at a tender age) changes a person forever, or at least it should. In a positive way. However, many choose to turn their heads and not deal with it and maybe that is, indeed, their way of dealing with it? Those are the ones who miss out on some very important lessons in life.

    I'll stop blabbering on now because I'm way past the point of someone you described in this writing :D

    As always, loved it! :*

    P.S.- Is it possible for you to write a bad post? :P

  17. Dear Crysty....a biiiiiiig hug to u darling.Hope he is doing fine now? And wishing him the very best in life. God Bless him and you too..
    Yes I understand what this post means to you...
    take care..
    Keep the smile intact..alright?
    Love ~

    PS: Read my recent post! you might just find ur smile there:)<3

  18. Rahul sir, :)

    Bonnie, You can never plan y'know. Nothing you believe will happen ever happens. Still, we live on hope.

    Shruti, He is. Crazy and fit as ever.
    I hope you're doing good, lovey. :*

    Philo, You're kind. Really. And its from Deviantart.com. Beautiful thing, this website.

    Winter song, Thank you. I love your display name btw.

    Express, Hope so too.

    Finny, Thank you. And sometimes, ignoring things is a way of dealing with them. Its strange, yes, but then. You're always the sweetest. Thanks. :*

    Aakriti, I'm good. Better, for sure. And your post gave me a huge smile. You always manage to make me happy. Mwah.