11/26/11

The Nothing.

As I perched myself on the couch with the regular latte, I knew today wouldn’t be similar to all other days. Sometimes you have those instincts, don’t you? Anyway, I sat down and drank to the slow Sufi playing in the background.
My mind was all over the place. Like always. Trisha would say, ‘Feet on Mars and mind in Venus’ if she’d see me now, like she always does. Sometimes, a pattern in every day things can be a beauty. You almost crib when they’re missing, those dialogues that are rather expected, even if they’re sarcastic.

The coffee tastes usual. You know what? Weed or
alcohol or even coffee, none work on me anymore. Yes, its almost unnatural. I call it getting accustomed. I overfed by body, I played with it, ruined it and now it is numb to all the three.
Weed doesn’t produce colors ahead of me, alcohol doesn’t give me the same high and coffee, I think I start blinking to sleep the very moment it enters my mouth. It is astonishing that as humans we can get used to almost anything. We get used to living a meaningless existence, we get used to pointlessly quarrelling, we get used to anything under the sky. With time, of course.
Randomly my eyes drift to the scene before me. Its Fall. My favorite time of the year. It amuses me, probably because nature holds out a message, Viva la Vida. (long live life) The leaves fall, and new ones bloom again.

When these dead leaves were green, love,
November's skies were blue,
And to us, wandering hand in hand,
Life was a fairy scene,
That golden morning in the woods
When these dead leaves were green!

But .. ever noticed that a dead leaf serves no purpose? It lies there. Solitary. It perhaps implies a crude reality. You bloom, you fall too bad, and its hard to get back.
I am still deflecting between thoughts. There’s no stillness, there is nothing that has grasped my attention so bad that I’d never lose it, no, not yet. I move, like the drop into the ocean. Philosophically, I joined the greater force, realistically, I lost my essence.
Who had I followed? Why had I lost my real identity? No one knew. No one ever would. Nah, not even me. I had friends, and yet I didn't connect. I had an identity, and I didn't use it.
I forgave, moved on. Did I really want to? I only thought it was easier to forgive and move on. Have you ever thought that perhaps forgiving half-heartedly and holding onto it is worse than holding onto a grudge?
Marley says, everyone is going to make you suffer, just choose the ones worth suffering for.
I chose a lot of people. Why doesn't the suffering seem worth while? Is sensitivity subjective? Do you have to shed copious tears to be called sensitive? I beg to differ.
The song has changed to Backstreet. They say, 'and then my heart did time in Siberia .. waiting for the lie to come true'
I have learnt things. Lies do come true. Your words play on you. Your sins come back to you. Your lost identity, it comes back to you too. Karma, or whatever. I call it life. And as I said, my thoughts were all over the place. Still are.
And I am still staring at the dead leaf. Thinking, philosophical or realistic?

54 comments:

  1. WOAH!
    You explain everything so well!
    Love this part, 'Philosophically, I joined the greater force, realistically, I lost my essence.' :)

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  2. But why would you put the comparison of a leaf when you can be the rainbow which comes after every rainfall ;).

    Did you hear about it, They call it life. You can't change what you've done, but you can do better and lighten the intensity of those wrong doings.

    And Just like In The Presence of Darkness, Light Prevails. A Truth Spoken Is better than a thousand lies.

    And the path is which one you choose and which one your heart lies on.

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  3. LOVED the philosophical and realistic sides of a drop in the ocean. It had depth. You post has depth. Well written saheli. :)

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  4. I still dunno how old are you,
    Readings, your writings,
    And the depths to you,
    Mystery, enigma, the charm you imbue,
    May words and your thoughts always bless you:)

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  5. "Philosophically, I joined the greater force, realistically, I lost my essence." beautiful lines....and then the one about forgiving half heartedly!!!! woaaa....where do u get ur thoughts from??

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  6. This was brilliant! And yes, forgiving half-heartedly and holding onto it is worse than holding onto a grudge? :)

    I see a few of them have mentioned this before, but nevertheless, 'Philosophically, I joined the greater force, realistically, I lost my essence.' You have a gift. :)

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  7. "Sometimes, a pattern in every day things can be a beauty. You almost crib when they’re missing, those dialogues that are rather expected, even if they’re sarcastic."..."We humans become accustomed to anything..." Yes, Yes...patterns everywhere...we live and change and draw them...but they remain...the patterns. Crystal...the transition...philosophical to reality and vice versa...is it really there? Ever wondered? :D :D :D LOVE it, my lady! :D :D

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  8. honestly after a point of time, certain intoxicants dnt really have an effect that they used to initially...

    meaningless existence!! hmm at times yes.. "i had friends, yet dnt connect, i had an identity , yet dnt use it"... simple yet so deep..

    choosing the ones worth suffering for?? how do we do that :( :( .. sigh ..

    btw loved the poem .. it simply lends an emotional feel to the entire post...

    beautiful written, and such deep , and profound thoughts..

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  9. Khadeeja,
    :)
    It was some random inspiration I got.

    Daniyal,
    Oh, so you finally stopped ignoring me?
    Its not always easy to 'lighten the intensity' of something wrong you do.
    Then they say, better be hurt by a truth than comforted with a lie. :)
    I respect your point of view, but things aren't as easy as they appear from a distance.
    How've you been?

    Vinati, Thank you pyaari <3

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  10. Aakriti, Sixteen! And on my way to turnin seventeen coming February! :)
    Happy birthdaaaaaay to you btw <3 So much love to you. I hope you have a beautiful life ahead cos you sure as hell deserve it.
    AND thoughts spring from the people around me and their lives, and ofcourse bits of my life too :)

    Loony, Sure is. Experienced it, have you? :)
    Thank you so much. That line was pretty random other wise..

    Mystical, Yes. To some patterns we adapt readily, and to some we take our own sweet time. They're everywhere, in every aspect.
    Psst, you're the cutest! Such sweet comments waaaaaaaaa <3

    Menachery, I know. Making that choice is so very tough. I have made them and suffered much .. but then, ultimately you end up learning.
    Thank youu. i am so glad you connected :)

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  11. And its calming in a way to have a pattern, dangerous, but addictive. :D

    Psst! Thank you! *Blush* If I say I love you, will you believe? :D <3

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  12. EXACTLY "Things are not easy as they appear from a distance", now just go out and tell the world this. :P 'cos I've been trying to do that all the time yet no one believes me that any problem that I go through is even worth calling a Problem.


    I Never Ignored you, I just lost a little of my attention towards reading blogs and writing blog. But hey at least I'm reading yours.

    How're You? I'm Feeling Quite Changed :P

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  13. I think I need to coin a new word to describe the feeling this blog left me with.Are you a mind-blowing writer or what...............My goodness,every word in that blog was like a drop of honey mixed with tequila...Exquisite and heady...Awesomeness redefined.....*Salute* Btw,looks like we as humans have gotten too used to getting used to things....Your blog captured a very important message..Well done...

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  14. Stunning as always :) I never forgive anybody half-heartedly, It aches and it aches bad later. And what really inspired to write this Crys ? I wish you all the happiness, my young lady with the golden pen :)

    Viva la Vida :)

    And yes, the pattern in everyday things is such a beauty :)

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  15. There are times when the thin line between philosophical and realistic disappears. That.

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  16. Excellent, really really excellent.. Another awesome piece of writing that draws in the reader..

    The dead leaf you look at will eventually decompose and provide nourishment for new life. Something that is detached, dead, at the end of a cycle will assist in rebirth. Its just like our own emotions, elements to our own lives. Voids appear, our lives get turned upside down, we suffer... yet as we decay physically and emotionally we are also continually nourished by lessons learned, new experiences.. and by reading brilliant pieces of writing such as this. At the end of the day, even when you feel like the world is collapsing around you, something will appear from nothing.. "Karma, or whatever. I call it life".. brilliant, what more can I say.. perfect..

    Apologies for writing a long one.. just love deep/ philosophical pieces of writing..

    Thanks for a great read oh wise one ;)

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  17. Your writings appear like a read from Khalil Gibran! Such maturity of thoughts and flow!Beautifully penned..

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  18. O.M.G.!!!!!:O:O:O...u are just sweet sixteen??!!!!...girl you write way beyond ur age man!!! a mature writer indeed!! had I been as wise as u are ( seemingly..at least:P) aaj main kahan hoti!! so I guess by the time u come into ur twenties sure U'll have published books in ur kitty:)wishing u the very best and thnks again for ur wishes!!

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  19. u chuddhu stop being my grammar teacher.. will you??
    anywayz i changed the line
    and you put a cloth across your B*****
    :P

    :P haan so back on the post
    in DANDINII style-
    well my lady praises for write-ups are your birth right
    well it's a huge compliment, all i can lend you for now..! :) no it's not lending , i give you this line.! :)) :)) :))

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  20. Little Butterfly,

    First, I love the way you write. You've grown so much!

    And now, when the leaf stays on the edge, lifeless, solitary, that is when we realize that it had life. We suddenly observe the veins going through the surface and the very fact that it is solitary claims reasoning.

    I agree with Daniyal. You are a rainbow. :-)
    And as far as the philosophical part is concerned, I never got it either :P

    Weed. I hate it. It irritates you.
    Booze. I like it. :D it makes me happy.
    Coffee. I dont mind it. :P

    You are sundar... there is a reason i call you a Titleee. Period :-)

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  21. **Philosophically, I joined the greater force, realistically, I lost my essence

    I absolutely loved this line :)

    I admire how you explain every minute detail creating an imagery before my eyes. I love to read when the writer has a quality to take me into a world of imagination:)

    This is so wonderfully written :)

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  22. Ah. You grow as a writer with every post. Dried leaves serve a purpose. They provide immense joy to kids and those kids at heart to crush them under their feet. True story by the way. :-) Age is the only teacher when it comes to choosing the right people. So hold on there. I promise with time it will make more sense. It usually does. I love thy. :-)

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  23. Dry leaves look pretty. Purpose enough.

    It never ceases to amaze me, how we get used to EVERYTHING. I once had a dream where I lost a limb. My right hand i think. And i thought to myself, oh well, i'm going to get used to this. Soon i won't even notice it.

    We're weird.

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  24. I used to collect rose petals and pretty leaves to press them between pages of a heavy book ... some things in life that appear to be dead will leave (no pun intended :P) an everlasting beauty behind, so in essence they never truly die :)

    No doubt, you have the gift of words; a real 'no brainer' there! It is, however, coupled with wisdom far beyond age or experience (perhaps?) I'm consistently in awe of how you are able to portray so many topics as if you had lived each scene first hand.

    You also manage to add integrity and heart to your writings . . . I know that part is the person behind the pen, whom I ♥ adore ♥ to the absolute max!

    Another *brilliant* writing! Muahh!

    P.S. ~ My niece turns 16 in February on the 16th he he! What miraculous day were you born on? :)

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  25. Life makes us that way..I got accustomed to being alone yet surrounded by a crowd of people who smile at me which resembles like snakes bare fangs
    Loved the poem

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  26. u are 16?????????????? :-O
    *Bamboozled* *Flummoxed* *Blown out of my wits* Woaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!
    You seem to be some kinda writing prodigy then.......:-D

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  27. This is some heavy stuff. Keep writing, beautiful! :)
    And I see you take inspiration from little things...same here, same here. ;)

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  28. Wowww this is some serious, thoughtful and obviously beautiful stuff girl. Hats off to u :D

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  29. "The coffee tastes usual. You know what? Weed or
    alcohol or even coffee, none work on me anymore. Yes, its almost unnatural. I call it getting accustomed. I overfed by body, I played with it, ruined it and now it is numb to all the three."

    You ask a random person to read these lines and I bet they will say, it has been written by some accomplished published writer.

    Not that being published has anything to do with being accomplished. You may not a being published writer just as yet, but you definitely are accomplished. :)

    You haven't tried alcohol or weed, by the way. Have you? :P

    And this line -

    Philosophically, I joined the greater force, realistically, I lost my essence.

    kya kahen...it is a winner..like a punch line delivered..as if it can describe the whole post..

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  30. Me speechless..me not saying anything :)

    Ah you are just too good..oh yes im not saying anything anymore :)

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  31. "Lies do come true. Your words play on you. Your sins come back to you. Your lost identity, it comes back to you too"
    I cannot agree more!

    and a dead leaf serves a lot of purpose :)that is if it is a purpose. "Sometimes you don't need a reason for everything, excuse are enough"...not here will i detail about it!

    And about thought being littered all over the place, wow! that identifiable...that happens (often) when i am dazed, in a trance...

    the post was fantastic:0

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  32. g8 creative writing...i liked the abstractness of the whole topic although reading it made me think many different topics buti liked it.
    what i felt was that karma is something that make us experience things(anger, solitude, happiness, ecstatic and much more) and also we should not tie the past happining or doing to our future.
    Live the day as it comes when god doesn't judge us why should we let our past "karma" judge us.learn, synchronise with your conscience and move on to experiance more.

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  33. Your writing.. So dark. So calm :)
    Lovely! I can go on reading :)

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  34. Thanks to Priyanka Kamath that I bumped into this blog.
    You write beautifully and introspection is one of my favourite subjects.

    You have earned and truly deserved another follower.

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  35. There is depth in what you say and an openness I adore. Appreciate the way you have written these bitter sweet conflicting thoughts but it merges. Makes sense... since we all battle conflicts. Eloquent and poignant.. niceeeee...

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  36. you silly girl i was about to post that comment and you deleted that post
    :X
    duh
    well heres my comment for that post

    can i swim with you in the world of the most beautiful imaginations and fantasies all created my you.
    :)
    the word betray is so close to my heart you know that, don't you??
    :)
    sooo lovess smarty and together we become sexy and smart frnss.. <3
    tc

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  37. This is so deep .Only someone with amazing mind can write like that!

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  38. Girl! What u r? 16??? I dont believe this...
    And I need to look into the dictionary to find words to define the feeling that ur writings left me with...
    Astounding!
    All the best! I will always be around for many more undefined experiences!

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  39. Its always great come back to your blog and read all the old posts that I missed. Your writing is fluid...it always takes the readers where it wants to...

    And I completely agree with what Khadeeja says...Beautiful, profound words...

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  40. MSM, Gee. I will! Cos I reciprocate the feeling. :)

    Daniyal, I'm feeling jaded and tired beyond comprehension. Just got over with the Annual concert and I have some renewed energy now.
    AND, when you face the problem you ace the problem and no one recognizes your problem's gravity apart from you. I agree.

    Rahul, **honey mixed with tequila
    Hahaha! That was quite a compliment. Thank you so much :)
    And , yes, we get used to too many things .. its good and bad at the same time.

    Serendipity, Some past experiences a and some pictures in my head inspired me to write this post.
    Viva la vida indeed. Its a song by Coldplay btw. :) Hear it.

    Richa, I so agree. I connect with that too. Experience talks, eh?

    Paul, I agree with you on places. The dead leaf will provide nourishment when numerous dead leaves join it. Alone, it serves no purpose. That is what is painful about its existence and later, death.
    Karma is what I believe in. Though some actions seem to yield nothing, every Christ forsaken thing happens for a reason.
    Thank you so much. You are benevolent with comments. :)

    Rahul sir, You set me on Cloud 999 when you say that! He is my favourite poet. Thank you SO much :)

    Aakriti, How'd your birthday go? and yes, I am 16. About to turn 17 on February the 5th :D
    Sugar in your mouth, I wish that'd really happen. ;)

    Suvaiba, Hahahah! your comments always crack me up. -.-
    And I didn't tie a cloth across my you know what, did you? :P I guess we did a decent job despite it. :D
    And WOW, quite a compliment haa. Smarty pants ho gayi ho tum tho :P
    And being a grammar teacher is my birth right too :D

    Shruti, Your comments make me SO happy. Insanely happy :)
    I want to give you a wet kissie asap.
    And haha, I lourved what you had to say about the 3 mokshas. :P
    You are more sundar. I love thee. Guess you already know.

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  41. CS, :)

    Priyankaaau, I love the fact that you acknowledge the detailing every time.
    My purpose feels met. :) Mwah. Thanks.

    Zeba, The people part is a mixture of inspiration and fiction. And age is indeed the best teacher. Insha'Allah it will quite somethings to teach me ..
    Thank you so much. I love thee more. :*

    The Me, Oh My God. That is quite a dream. Would freak me out I guess.
    And, what is beautiful serves no purpose until it either helps others or nourishes itself.
    Welcome here and thank you :)

    Fiona,
    I have a mixture of pride and joy when I read your comments. Joy cos they are ever so lovely and pride cos at least someone is reading me dedicatedly and will offer critique and appraisal whenever needed.
    I was born 9 days before your lovely niece, the 5th of February. :D
    PS: I used to press leaves into thick, fat diaries too. Its amazing how much we match.

    Red, I guess we do that at some point or the other in our lives. We condescend ..
    And, its actually a ballad.

    Rahul, OMGGG. No, not yet. ;)
    Thank you SO very much man .. means a lot.

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  42. Thank you SO much Aliza and Amna, your comments mean SO much. :D

    Kunal, Well. That was a bomb of a compliment. I feel flushed. :)
    AND, I wish i could become accomplished, published, loved all at the same time. If it were that easy ..
    And, I've tried two of the three. Shall try all three. Experience sake. :P

    TOSM, Aawwww. :)

    Grain of sand, Aw! It happens with me all the time. I really need no inspiration/weed/perpetuation for it. Weird. I know :P
    And, thank you so so much. You are a very good reader. :)

    A guilty conscience, I guess Karma is and isn't a bitch. Something runs our lives, some energy and for me, it is Karma. Whatever goes round, comes around and you are beaten hollow by your own sins and misdeeds. It all happens. For real.
    Thank you very much! and welcome hither . :)

    Ashok, Thank you SO much!

    Philo, If I were to go on writing, you'd hit your head against the wall ;)
    thanks ree ..

    Priyanka, I SAW I SAW! Made me insanely happy.

    Enchanta, I should thank PK for making me bump into such a sweet reader then :) Thank you so much.. and welcome here.

    :Dee, That's how some thoughts flow .. up and down a river of belief and faith, misery and pain.
    Thank you so much. :) There is eloquence in your writing too.

    Adam, Izdiher, Thanks a ton guys. :)

    Manju, I need to look into the dictionary to find alternatives for thank you and gratias too. You guys make such sweet comments. :)
    Welcome hither and thanks alot of alot.

    Siddhartha, I love the fact that you go back to my older posts to leave comments. Makes me overjoyed.:)

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  43. Are you sure you're not a 76 year old soothsayer who bakes fresh cookies and bread like The Oracle does in The Matrix trilogy? because this post seemed to convey an extremely profound thought process woven so beautifully in such simplistic language.

    Wow, this is some pretty deep stuff and I`m going to call you Oracle from now, if I may?.

    Please don't tell me you're younger than me and give me a complex :P.

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  44. 16 and 9 months. Yes, that's precisely how old I am. x)
    What about you? :D
    And you don't need years to develop into a mature thinker, do you?

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  45. A 40 year old mature thinker trapped in a 16 year old's body .. i am at a loss of words

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  46. You know what? You were born in the wrong era, that toh confirmed.

    Such maturity that makes me, who's atleast five years older than you, ashamed of being so trivial-_-

    What are you like in real life? I want to know. More about this semi-kid of a girl in age who writes posts which make me sit down and contemplate the meaning of life and associated philosophies.

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  47. Life is tricky... see how a philosophically-realistic post u have written on its nothingness :P

    Awesome read !!!

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  48. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  49. It funny, i randomly click on your link and suddenly connect with you. You speak what i feel. You know the part where nothing helps you feel different. I feel the same. No amount of alcohol , weed , coffee , nicotine takes me to another world anymore.i am there in the very place all the time..

    I like you, one post down..
    Thats some start..:)

    http://mindhearshearttalks.blogspot.com/

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